On the Uses – and Criminalisation

Of Sarcasm.

“The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.”

Anatole France.

“It is by acts and not by ideas that people live.”

Anatole France.

Well, I’m a hardened desperado now; on the run from what, I suppose, we must refer to as the “law”.

And the charges just keep mounting up.

Frankly, I’ve lost count.

But like a hardened street gangster – I display my crimes as brazenly as scars and jail-house tattoos.

Consider the effrontery:

I’m already facing a ten-straight stretch for breaking the ‘Sarcastic E-Mails (Jersey) Law (2.00 pm, 21st October) 2009’.

Yet, in an act of crazed defiance I trample the said law again – by quoting Anatole France’s – in-no-way-sarcastic – observation on the “majestic equality of the law”.

There – I’ve done it again.

By the time I’m apprehended, clapped in irons and returned to Jersey I’ll be facing straight life – no parole.

I imagine that’s what comes of reading too many people like France.

I’ll have to try throwing myself on the mercy of the court.

“It ain’t my fault Gov – I was led astray by all them bleedin wicked “finkers” – wat wiv their fancy “ideas” n’ leedin us in ta sarcasm – really Gov, just gimme anaver chance an’ I’ll always doff me cap from now on – innit?”

But – no.

I’m long beyond that stage now.

As such a hardened outlaw – almost as committed to crookery as a Wall Street investment banker – and – even – sink in terror at my approaching shadow – nearly as bent as a Jersey planning officer – I’m well into ‘you’ll never take me alive, copper’ territory.

Err – well, OK – at least not unless they take me be surprise again – with a ten-strong SWAT-squad.

Like last time.

But, damn “the law” – what would our gang-leader – Anatole France – have thought of our desperate stand?

What, might he have said, by way of “criminal” sarcasm, in belligerent defiance of the forces of ‘good order’?

You know – I actually think he’d have been challenged to capture the sheer, hypocritical abuse of power to be observed on the island.

Of course, Anatole’s sarcasm simply didn’t go far enough – just wasn’t capable of encompassing the sheer Milgramesque experiment in boundary-pushing we observe on the part of the Jersey oligarchy.

France may have paused, and begun forming a phrase something like, ‘the law in its majestic equality forbids the rich as well as the poor from committing perjury….err.’

Or – ‘the law in its majestic equality forbids the rich as well as the poor to conceal evidence….err, no, that doesn’t really describe the phenomena we are confronted with’

How about – ‘the law in its majestic equality forbids the rich as well as the poor to abuse ancient feudal laws to drive out and bankrupt a family-run skip truck business’?

No – that just doesn’t fit, either.

‘What’, our leader might have asked, ‘is going wrong with my analyses here?’

Though a great intellectual, and winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature, our icon of sarcasm would have been defeated by the sheer asymmetrical lawlessness – the brazen abandonment of any pretence at “equality” – as exhibited by the Jersey oligarchy.

But only for a short while.

He would quickly have seen that fundamental to his famous observation on the ‘majestic equality of the law’ – was the basic premise that the law was, indeed, equal – but in a way that scarcely troubled the rich.

But even that fundamental – but sarcastically observed – ‘truth’ would be rendered null when considering what passes for the administration of justice in Jersey – where little attempt is made at even a pretence of ‘equality’.

Let us be grateful that France was not alive during the age of e-mail.

So gross would have been his crimes – the tribulations of Boris Pasternak would have seemed easy in comparison.

The ‘law’ in Jersey – in all its shameless and stagnant inequality.

It is in defiance of such neo-feudalistic conjuring-tricks with a few tatty pastiches of what, we’re told, is ‘the law’ – that I am here in London.

I’m extremely grateful for the quantity of support I have received – telephone calls, e-mails, texts, letters – and the similar messages to those providing me with help. I’ve always had confidence in people’s ability to think for themselves.

But our incubus – the Jersey oligarchy – who, alone, labour under the delusion they’re capable of being ‘clever’ – remain convinced that people are stupid – and can be conned into forgetting why I had to flee to London.

Namely – a prosecution and court system so brazenly corrupt that when the prosecution case was utterly destroyed by the defence case – they solved this somewhat inconveniencing fact – simply by seeking to have the entire defence case deemed ‘inadmissible’.

Makes one proud to be a Jerseyman, eh?

One can tell the Jersey oligarchy has entered some kind of ultimate ‘end-game’ of decadence, simply by examining the sheer poverty of intelligence on display in their criticisms of people like me.

Consider the Jersey media, and comments I receive on this blog. We have yet to encounter as much as one single cogent and intellectually robust argument against my position. Believe me – if the Jersey oligarchy possessed any such argument – they would have deployed it.

And they can produce no such argument – not because of any particular intelligence on my part – but simply because their position is enfeebled, wrong and indefensible.

Instead, the Jersey oligarchy is reduced to comment such as this:

Received on the 26th October:

“You really are an objectionable little man. What do you think gives you the right to ignore the laws of this Island. Should these laws apply to everyone else but yourself? (SeanF).”

Obviously – we see displayed in such remarks an underlying intellectual capacity so awesome as to be greater than that of Susan Sontag and Noam Chomsky – combined.

I’m frightened of confronting such devastating criticism – for example, by writing a very, very extensive – and tediously depressing – list of all those decades-worth of crimes – of every scale and type – committed by the Jersey oligarchy and its members – with apparent immunity from the “laws of the island”.

To do so would be cowardice on my part – in refusing to confront the implacable fact at the heart of such criticism – namely that such laws apply to ALL obstreperous, uppity plebs – including me.*

* (But, obviously, not senior oligarchs. Well, it goes without saying – innit?)

No, instead – in flight from such unanswerable damnation – I must turn to an altogether tamer example of criticism.

A comment was submitted by reader ‘JV’ a few days ago, and I promised we’d take a close look at it.

Received on the 23rd October:

“Dear Stuart

Just as a simple question that I hope won’t trouble you enough to answer.

When will things be enough before you fit back into the political mainframe and stop branching out on such a limb? I know there are answers to be had from the current political establishment, but what in your own terms will quench your thirst for political upheaval? What possible answers are there before you cease the legal proceedings and get on with the task of representing your constituents, and not yourself in the Magistrate’s court?

I am neither a supporter nor an oligarchy-supporter, although my education in Jersey would have you believe I am firmly routed in the Oligarchy; a fact that I am not too pleased has been banded around this blog far too often.

So in short, what do you hope to achieve from now on in? Clearly the hateful crimes committed in Jersey are a problem but what then? What political manifesto may you employ once this sorry tale has been put to bed? Or are you just a political troublemaker in a time when our thoughts should be on more pressing matters?


The first thing one must do in analysing such a positional statement, and the questions embedded within it, is to identify the premises that are being put forward.

What are the underlying assumptions – the ‘givens’ – the author would have us simply take as statements of established fact?

We might deconstruct the comment as claiming thus:

1: That I have unreasonable expectations of the political environment and culture of Jersey.

2: I am not engaged in mainstream political work, but, instead have split-off into some narrow path of irrelevance to the community.

3: That I am driven by a ‘thirst’ for ‘political upheaval’ for its own sake.

4: That there is nothing that would, or could, make me stop this campaign.

5: That the ‘legal proceedings’ are somehow of my initiative – and that I could ‘cease them’.

6: That what I am engaged in does not constitute representing my constituents.

7: That it isn’t clear what I ‘hope to achieve’.

8: That the ‘hateful crimes’ committed in Jersey are ‘a problem’ – and it is enough merely to recognise that fact – without fighting for justice.

9: That I have no other political manifesto apart from fighting against the Culture of Concealment – and that, somehow, just isn’t enough for a politician to be doing.

10: That I am merely a ‘political trouble-maker’ – wasting my time when I should be working on ‘more pressing matters’.

In what was not a sarcastic observation – so I hope I include this quote without it going on the rap-sheet – Anatole France wrote:

“It is by acts and not by ideas that people live.”

One can find any number of Jersey politicians who will propound such ideas as transparency, accountability, the proper rule of law, the good administration of justice, and working for the public good.

The ‘achievements’ of such ideas are there to be observed in the rackety, decayed junk-yard scrap-heap that is Jersey’s public administration.

Ideas are as spent upon the Jersey polity as the energy of Sisyphus was spent upon that boulder.

After 20 futile years of ideas – I have acted.

I have acted in an attempt to drive forward the changes oh-so-badly needed by the great majority of my constituents.

And we can use the ten premises propounded by ‘JV’ to examine why that is so.

1: The ‘mainstream’ political environment of Jersey is simply too rotten to repair. My expectations of Jersey politics are that it be honest, genuinely democratic, transparent, accountable, effective – and not riddled with corruption.

I don’t want to ‘fit back into that mainstream’ – I want to change it.

2: It is difficult to imagine a more centrally important task for a politician to shoulder than trying to address the complete absence of any effective checks and balances; in which victims of child abuse get betrayed by the authorities – and those who abused them remain in top-jobs.

A political and ‘judicial’ culture that is capable of driving into bankruptcy a small, family business with legal costs incurred through trying to defend themselves against the corrupt manipulations of senior oligarchs – is not capable of reforming itself.

One can hide from that conclusion no longer.

3: As described above, what I wish to see achieved is a modern, lawful, democratic community which is governed with a degree of intelligence, wisdom and ethics.

Not remotely an unreasonable or ‘extremist’ aim.

The ‘political upheavals’ I find myself involved in are not of my choosing; they occur because I am trying to do my job to the best of my ability – for example, trying to expose and prevent child abuse.

It is not my fault that so corrupted, decadent, lawless and anti-democratic are the Jersey oligarchy that they should regard trying to achieve child protection and punishing abusers, to be as some immense and anarchic threat to society.

4: I would very happily stop campaigning against the frankly embarrassing, bent, inept and literally incredible chimera that passes for the administration of justice in Jersey – just as soon as it is cleared-out and fixed.

If Jack Straw e-mails me in the next 30 minutes saying he’s accepted the mountain of unarguable evidence – and the UK will take direct control of the prosecution system, police and courts in Jersey for the next two years – whilst a functioning system is put in place – I’ll get on a plane back to Jersey tonight.

5: If ‘JV’ wishes these ‘legal proceedings’ were stopped – then we are of like-mind.

However – it was not me who decided that it would be appropriate to send around a squad of ten cops to arrest a democratically accountable representative of the people – lock him in a police-cell for seven-and-a-half hours – whilst the cops turned over the entire property from top-to-bottom – without a search-warrant – and then attempt to prosecute the politician – for doing his job in attempting to hold the executive to account.

It was Bill Bailhache – and his stooges Mick Gradwell, Mark Cane and Julia Jackson – who decided that – terribly PC of them – “health and safety at work” requirements meant they had to subject me to covert surveillance – and come around and jail me – in order to protect senior civil servants from the ‘stress’ of being scrutinised by a politician.”

And – no.

I did not make up that “health and safety at work” angle.

Some things are simply beyond the reach of sarcasm.

It has been admitted in open court by Stephen Baker that Gradwell had Cane and Jackson – two full-time cops – doing nothing except “investigate” me – for a sustained period of time – on “health and safety” grounds.

Oh – that, and because I was supposedly writing “defamatory remarks” on my blog.

It, of course, being yet another example of the amazingly improved legislative performance of the States of Jersey – that a covert law was so speedily introduced to make defamation a criminal law offence, as opposed to a mere civil law matter.

6: The events I have catalogued on this blog during the last two years – let alone the evidence of the last two or three decades – show that the entire body of public administration in Jersey has failed – in virtually every conceivable manner.

Simply consider the long-predicted economic melt-down about to engulf the island; are my constituents best served by me being crushed in debate every two weeks by such intellectual titans as Terry Le Main and Phil Ozouf?

Or should we recognise that the time has past for such charades – and that the coming economic hardship can only be ameliorated by sweeping away the whole, useless apparatus?

To quote Bob Dylan:

‘Let us not talk falsely now, for the hour is getting late.’

7: What this community needs is to be rid of the collection of idiots, posturing ignoramuses, crooks, spivs, shills, gangsters and halfwits who have brought Jersey to the ruination that now – inescapably – confronts it.

Trying to achieve that from within the perverted paradigm that passes for ‘normal politics’ in Jersey doesn’t work – and I wouldn’t be doing my constituents any good if I pretended that it did.

8: To those who criticise me for being so determined to carry on fighting for justice – to get the ‘hateful crimes’ exposed and punished – I would point out that certain States members don’t do anything – let alone campaign strongly for a single cause. Well, when I say don’t do anything, I concede that they turn up as lobby-fodder, to vote and speak as they are told by the oligarchy whips.

Even if the campaign for child protection was the only thing I did – it is difficult imagine a more necessary and worthwhile cause. It is not enough, merely to have recognised that ‘hateful crimes’ took place.

Justice must be delivered.

And – it will be. Trust me.

No matter that it take another decade.

9: My political ‘manifesto’ – the policies and changes I believe are needed for the good of this community – is broader and deeper than most States members combined could articulate.

I mean – how many other States members could say they have achieved such innovative and forward-looking legislation – that has made it a criminal offence not to turn up to, events you didn’t have to turn up to?

And should you not be suitably impressed by that – consider; I was able to have sarcasm outlawed – in a matter of days – without even being there.

Let no one ever again dare criticise my legislative skills.

10: The political culture and habits of Jersey are toxic. Plainly – what passes for ‘normal’ politics has left the island’s future a heap of smoking wreckage.

We have sold the future of Jersey – to a collection of spivs and carpet-baggers – for a mess-of-pottage.

What do we have to show?

A community in which a basic starter home for a family costs over half-a-million pounds; a community in which around 15% of the population live in relative poverty by EU definitions; we have ruined much of our environment; we have no economic ‘Plan B’ for the imminent end of ‘the gold rush’ – and we have no sovereign wealth fund – instead a microscopic strategic reserve – that wouldn’t meet one year’s public sector expenditure.

Being a politician – requires doing politics. And politics – at least the functioning kind – are usually ‘troublesome’.

The traditional approach to politics in Jersey – that it is far better to be “polite” than speak the truth – is largely responsible for our ruination.

Addressing those ten arguments brings us back to why I am here in London.

I am here because we have a public administration – a legislature, a judiciary, a prosecution system and a senior civil service – that is so useless, dishonest, corrupt – and, frankly, dangerous – that it fell to me – after, let it be noted, several attempts to address the issue through the ‘normal’ and ‘official’ channels – to publicly expose an individual who plainly poses a clear and present danger to vulnerable people.

A man the Jersey prosecution system decided could be released from remand in custody for other, serious, offences – two days after they had decided to launch a major investigation on the grounds of compelling evidence he is a dangerous serial killer.

I knew publishing the information would have all kinds of serious consequences for me and, sure enough – the oligarchy had to crush me – precisely because it is so well-evidenced that they failed.

Failed catastrophically.

You see, if there is one thing the Jersey oligarchy suddenly gets efficient at – it is crushing those who expose their intrinsic failure.

But not always successfully.

Who knows – if I can carry on evading “justice” amongst London’s criminal underworld – and perhaps even recruiting new gang members – and having a few turf-wars, I’ll be able carve-out my own Manor – and from the hub of a crime-empire – take sarcasm into another whole realm – previously undreamt of in the world of organised crime.

I can see the States of Jersey now – meeting every other day to pass new legislation.

Not wearing a tie? Mandatory two years.

Reading The Guardian? Ten years hard labour and a ‘re-education’ programme.

Describing ‘Tel Boy’ Le Main as a halfwit? Five years under the Protection from Understatements (Jersey) Law October 2009.

Asking a difficult parliamentary question? £50,000 fine – under the Health and Safety at Work (Unemployable Civil Servants: Protection) (Jersey) Law November 2009.

Just imagine the criminal satisfaction in causing so much chaos?

What a pity that – no matter what wicked goading – the Jersey oligarchy will remain too thick to introduce the ‘Saving People from their Own Stupidity and Hubris (In Bottom of Hole, Stop Digging) (Jersey) Law 2009’ – and the associated ‘Don’t Try to Put Out a Fire With a Can of Petrol ( Prevention of Oligarchy Self-Immolation) Regulations 2009’.

Whilst it is difficult for us to imagine what our ‘OG’, Anatole France, would have written concerning the ‘law’ – as practiced by the Jersey oligarchy – no such difficulty faces us when looking to another of his famous quotes:

“We have never heard the devil’s side of the story, God wrote all the book.”

When considering the eutrophic pond that is power in Jersey – a body of pestilential fluid so thickly freighted with algal scum the Nazis were able to sail upon its surface without causing so much as a ripple – a rank midden emitting a miasma of propaganda so toxic that even in the year 2009 it has drugged most of the population into believing that organised politics is something wicked and dangerous – we know what our gang leader would have said:

“We have never heard God’s side of the story, the devil wrote all the book.”

Oh such wicked sarcasm.

I hear the States of Jersey are re-introducing the death-penalty next week.


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